


until my thoughts can travel somewhere new

by ohfiitz



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV)
Genre: Alternative ending to Episode 1x20 Nothing Personal, F/M, Fitz leaves the team to work for Stark, is this how you tag
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-02
Updated: 2014-05-02
Packaged: 2018-01-21 14:42:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 758
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1554038
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ohfiitz/pseuds/ohfiitz
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He leaves her, and he wonders if she knows. He wonders if she’ll ever know.</p>
            </blockquote>





	until my thoughts can travel somewhere new

_“Someday, I guess, when there’s a chance she’ll understand”_

Fitz mentally plays back Coulson’s words as he stares blankly at the piece of paper in his hand. It’s quiet. Too quiet that he can hear his own thoughts. The train compartment is empty, and there is no hum, no chatter, no sound to distract him from thinking of her other than the gentle pitter-patter of the rain against the window. The fog reminds him of home, reminds him of England, reminds him of her, reminds him of how much he really needs to stop thinking of Jemma Simmons every ten seconds if he plans on staying sane throughout his stay in New York.

The paper stares back at him, the big bold **STARK INDUSTRIES** logo teasing him of the big bold future that lies ahead, and the bigger life he’s left behind.

He had never thought about leaving. Not like this, at least. Until three days ago, when Maria Hill asked to talk to him in private and offered him a job at Stark. “Mr. Stark and Dr. Banner personally requested for you,” she had said. Apparently, his devices had caught the attention of his two science heroes and they wanted to bring him in to work on a project. Something about “privatizing global security”, whatever that means. Under normal circumstances, he would have squealed in delight and said yes on the spot. After all, this was Leopold Fitz, the biggest Stark fanboy in history. But that was back in Scotland, back when everything was simpler and freer. That was life before HYDRA, life before S.H.I.E.L.D. That was before his entire existence decided to change shape and take the form of Jemma Simmons.

But Jemma was out of the equation now. The offer was just for him, specifically for him. Hill had promised him immunity from being questioned by both the Congress and the military (courtesy of Stark’s matchless army of lawyers, she emphasized). It was an offer too tempting to resist: an opportunity to continue doing what he wanted to do—keeping people safe, saving the world—without the complications of being a bloody fugitive and trying to protect the team from people he used to trust.

The only reason he hesitated was that the offer did not include _her._

And the reason he decided to leave was the realization that it’s just what he needed.

 

* * *

 

She had cried when he told her. Not tears of sadness, though, but tears of _why_. She had asked him that, a million times over, and he didn’t know what to say. A crying, angry, far-away Simmons was not something he expected when he decided to leave. He couldn’t bring himself to speak, so he leaned down and pressed his lips on hers, softly, briefly, almost like a gasp.

Looking back on it now, he isn’t even sure if it qualifies as a kiss, but it was enough to prove a point. Enough to say that **_this_** _, this is why—_ but not enough to explain how much really doesn’t want to leave, and how much he really needs to.

He doesn’t say goodbye. Doesn’t say I love you. Doesn’t say _I’m sorry, I will be back when everything’s better. When I stop needing your air in my lungs. When I can stand on my own two feet without latching onto yours. When I re-learn to live as Fitz without the Simmons. When there’s a chance you’ll understand_.

The kiss was his goodbye, a pained smile hers, and neither of them said anything else because words were always a superfluity for Fitz and Simmons.

He wonders now if he made a mistake, if he should have just told her and get this— whatever this feeling is— over and done with. And he wonders when _this_ would feel less like running away from her and more like running towards himself.

 

* * *

 

The fog dies down as the train slows to a halt, and he catches a first glimpse of the iconic Stark Tower.

As he steps off the train and into the New York sun, he sees a man in a suit, holding a sign that read "Mr. Leo Fitz" in big letters, and a smaller “welcome to Stark Industries” beneath it. He sees his name, a mere two words, a single entity, and it sinks in for the first time that he truly _is_ alone.

And he wonders if maybe, maybe somehow it’s possible to live without her.

But maybe he doesn’t want to.

Maybe he never will.   

**Author's Note:**

> \- Well, Maria Hill DID invite Coulson to work for Stark. So I thought, what if she also invited Fitz and Fitz took the offer?  
> \- This is super short, though, and it feels incomplete but whatever.  
> \- Title is from Lauren Aquilina's "Wonder".  
> \- Comments and constructive feedback are very much appreciated, as always! ♥


End file.
